Summers

For a long time I hated summers. I hated the warmth. 

The hot days just didn’t do it for me. I couldn’t find outfits that would work for both my job and leisurely activities. I never spent as much time outside as I wanted and I felt predominantly uncomfortable for 3 months.

Even though the weather was good, it was never a nice warmth. Always a stuffy one. I’d always feel sticky as soon as I walked out the door. 

You can imagine why I couldn’t wait ‘till September. 

Yet every year when summer approached I got excited. Like I conveniently forgot that I never end up having a good time. But the idea of summer is so grand. Late night barbeque’s on someone’s roof. Lush green forests and parks to walk through, every spot under a tree a perfect place to sit. Drinking colourful drinks on a terrace in a random Southern European country. Probably Italy or Spain. But always somewhere along the coast with endless ocean views. 

I really thought that’s what summers in my twenties would look like. Somehow I never realised that we wouldn't have summer holidays, but jobs that needed to be worked. Or busy schedules that never seem to line up with friends’. 

I don’t like going to the beach and getting sand everywhere. I hate feeling so exposed when going in and out of the sea. However hard I try, I’ll still find sand everywhere for weeks afterwards. I don’t get what’s fun about that.

All complaining aside though, summer comes around every year. It might seem like there’s only one outcome possible, but I’m stubborn. And I want to have an amazing summer. 

So, I decided to try something different this year. I decided I’d try wearing purple. And not in the literal sense, but in the way that great poem goes

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me. 

But just like her, I want to wear purple now. 

I can wait to do bold things, but I might as well do them now. Why not? Since I never had a good time in summers before, what do I have to lose?

Throughout last year I tried getting to know myself. But really getting to know me. Not in a soul-searching, spiritual sense, but in an ‘I-want-to-be-comfortable-in-my-own-skin’ kinda way.

I went experimenting in all areas. I learned how long I can comfortably walk for with a full backpack. What temperatures I find comfortable and how they differ in different humidities and climates. I learned my bodies’ reaction to different clothing fabrics and which I like best. I learned what kind of clothing styles make me feel confident and to listen to my bodies’ cravings. 

And I learned to see myself for who I am now. Not fabricating parts of me that I think I need. Or wishing for something to be different than it is. It’s soul crushing to convince yourself you are a certain way, only to look in the mirror and see something completely different. Whether physical or not. 

Sometimes I really want to wear a specific outfit, but as soon as I pull that on, it feels off. Nothing wrong with them, and I look great and stuff. But they just feel wrong on my body that day. 

In the years before I’d talk myself into wearing the fit anyway, because there was nothing actually wrong. I was sure I’d get over it once a couple hours had passed. That was never the case though. I’d just be uncomfortable all day. Afterwards, I’d scold myself for not being able to get over the feeling. 

Needless to say, I wasn’t having a great time.

I really really wanted to change all that. And so I did. No, of course it’s not that simple. It’s never that simple. But I am trying, and it is working (mostly). My main thing is to not rush things. 

I like to plan. So, I’ll plan a few things every week around my work. Mainly depending on the weather. But if I can help it, I won’t plan my week to the brim. That way I’ll always have time for something spontaneous. Or for a long walk along a river. 

It almost feels too good to be true, but so far, I’m having an amazing summer. It’s almost like actually listening to your body works. Crazy how I’m only realizing that at 27 years old. 

I’m still sometimes trying to wrap my head around the fact that we’re actually expected to work through August as adult-adjecent people. But at least now I’m having a good time despite it!