Jealousy and awe

I’m procrastinating with work and I have some ambient noise on to try and drown out the noises from living in a city. Not from talking people walking by, kids, or barking dogs. But cars. So many cars are driving by. And it’s normal, I know. I live in a city, what did I expect? 

But I hate that there’s always a car blocking my view from the trees and the water. 

I am really in awe of people who just pack up and leave to go follow their dreams. My dreams don’t consist of having a stable job, making a career or buying a house. Not to look down on those dreams, they just aren’t mine. 

I do believe in working everyday, but not in working hard. In grinding, in sacrificing years of joy and pleasure for the grind. I respect people that do, it’s just not something I personally desire. 

Some people use their entire savings account to buy land or a property and build it from the ground up. They take on a big project and work it ‘til it’s done. Sometimes for months or years on end. 

I have always wanted to do that, but then there’s always a little voice in my head telling me it’s a baaaaad idea. It’s a horrible idea. That I shouldn’t spend all that money on one thing, or that I would never finish a big project like that. There are a hundred thousand things that could go wrong and in my head they all will. 

It’s probably right, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t handle every single one of them. Or that all that risk won’t be worth it in the long run.

The fun is in not knowing, right? In the experimenting. But then, what if you’ve put all your money in it and you go broke because it doesn’t work? Anyway, my brain goes on and on like this. 

I love watching videos of people carcamping or backpacking through remote places and forests. It looks so fun and so wild. Especially the videos where people do stuff I wouldn’t want to attempt myself. When it feels so far removed from what I think possible for myself. At least in my current state of being. 

But when it’s something that I secretly would love to do, I get too jealous and I can’t watch that. Like people who buy old castles or abandoned stone houses with land. Oh boy, I’m jealous. 

That feels embarrassing. I am a little embarrassed. 

But, I shall persist.

I do challenge myself. I work towards my dreams, but just, more slowly paced. I go on little adventures and go out of my comfort zone just a little bit whenever I get the chance. 

Okay, so it might not have been a big multi day trail or cowboy camping in a desert, but I did go on a hike with nothing but a backpack on. 

Granted, we did sleep in a hotel and ate dinner in a restaurant. But we did hike for 6 hours through the forest from one town to the next with a big detour. It was about 30km.

I think it was my first time walking 30km anywhere. It was a big moment. 

The idea was to hike another 10km the next day, but I couldn't take it. I could barely bend my knees, I was so stiff. And now I know where my limits lie.

The idea for me is also to always have fun. I love doing physical or mental hard things, but only as long as I’m still having a good time. I know that probably sounds a bit hypocritical, because hard challenges aren’t supposed to be fun, right? 

For me there’s a big difference in getting out of my comfort zone, but still enjoying myself and actually having to force myself to do something. 

I’m here primarily for fun and joy. I think challenge and adventure will follow naturally.

I’d love to spend more time in nature. Be more like a feral whimsy girlie on the weekends. Because I have to get back to my office job on Mondays. 

My next step is a bothy hike. I want to spend at least one night out in nature where I have to bring everything I need, except for shelter. And carry it all on my back of course. 

I’ve never carried such a heavy backpack before. I’m sure that brings my walking distance ability down significantly, but I don’t care. I’m just going to have to train for it a bit. I’m really looking forward to that challenge.

I might not sell all my possessions or take up the adventure of a lifetime, but I do get out there. And most days that feels like enough.