I should do this more often

Everytime I do something good or nice for myself, I feel guilty that I don’t do it more often. Maybe I have a very productive day, or I make something creative for fun, all I can think about is how I should keep that pace up. Monetize it. Do it every day, make it a habit. 

It stops being fun while I’m still doing it. 

I don’t even acknowledge that it makes me happy. That I’m content in that moment and enjoying it. 

I always think immediately ahead to how I can either make it a routine or make money with it. It’s really annoying. And also not surprising at all. 

It’s of course ‘a thing’ in our society that we are obsessed with efficiency, productivity and side hustles. You almost have to, to attain even a slither of a carefree life. And ‘everyone’ does it all on social media. You very quickly feel like you’re falling behind when you compare yourself to everyone online. 

And you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. Certainly not to people on the internet. Everyone knows that. But can we really help it? 

https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2014-33471-001

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563218300785

These aren’t studies stating that it’s normal to do it, but it does happen quite a bit. And not all comparison is bad. 

If I speak from personal experience, I’ve compared myself, my relationships and my life a lot to people on social media. Specifically on Instagram. It was a horrible experience when I was younger. 

I didn’t understand why I felt so sad and unfulfilled. Why I always felt like I was behind or less-than. I wanted to do all kinds of things, but never seemed to get around to them. 

And whenever I had been on social media - which was at least once everyday - I would walk away feeling much less motivated and inspired to do something (creative). 

I deleted Instagram from my phone some time ago. I think it’s been about 6 months now. I don’t forbid myself to use it, but it sure gets much less interesting when it’s not right there whenever I pick up my phone. 

Whenever I download social media apps now, it’s only when I feel like it. I don’t do it out of habit or boredom, but only when I have some free time and really want to lay on the couch scrolling. It’s incredible how much more enjoyment I get out of it when I feel in control using it. 

Funny thing is, that I much less get the feeling that I’m comparing myself to anyone on there. It’s not like I’m looking up to them anymore. I feel more like I’m watching a show. I don’t internalize their standpoints and follow people who don’t actually make me feel good about myself. If I don’t like an account, I throw them out. I also don’t get all the news and latest videos, because my algorithm is not up-to-date. 

It’s really interesting to see what social media does to me when I only watch videos I derive happiness from. When I do get in a bad algorithm flow, I just delete the app again. 

When I’m not on social media everyday, I also feel generally much less behind in life and much more motivated to just try things. And I really like trying things for the sake of trying them. 

But even if I don’t have the constant feedback of social media, there is still this urge to be productive. To strive for more routine, more efficiency. 

Is that lingering hustle culture? Or is that internal drive and ambition I would feel regardless of external factors? 

Whatever it is, I don’t like the feeling. 

Let’s say I go for a walk in the morning. I’m trying to become more of a morning person and going outside first thing is a really nice start of the day. But instead of enjoying my nice little walk in the crisp morning air, I’m thinking about how I should’ve started it earlier and how I can implement this for at least three days a week or something. All the fun evaporates instantly. 

It’s almost like I have to do things consistently for them to count. Doing something once because you felt like it, is just time wasted. You’ll get nothing out of it, except for the enjoyment of the moment. What’s that worth? 

Does that tie in with the social media thing? Anything you do, you have to do routinely - and film it whenever possible - otherwise you might as well not have done it. 

It’s like I never feel fulfilled with how much I’m doing. I always feel like I should do more. That does make individual activities much less fun. It’s never enough. 

I want to keep liking doing things and trying things, without having to throw them into a routine to feel accomplished. 

I don’t like that, I want me to stop. 

I’m afraid this essay doesn’t have a better point to it. I just realized I do this a lot. 

I should do it less often.